I tried mom; I promise.

Mother … I’m in love with a girl. Deeply. Uncontrollably. Avidly.

No that didn’t sound right. A little too formal? Probably. Insincere.

Mom. I think I’m gay. I’m in love with a girl.

It’s getting there.

Mom.

I am in love with a girl. A beautiful, passionately timid girl.

It might not be at all as you had imagined for me. But this is me, mom. I’ve tried … oh have I tried to try and force away these emotions. But the attempts were feeble.
I cannot deny these feelings. I cannot force them away.

I’m sorry.
I am so deeply sorry for what I am putting you through.
But I have found a good thing mother.
Our love is a revelry. She is so pure; fragile. We are so compatible.

I wipe away the tears that seemed to gush from my eyes. what am I doing? Why am I exposing myself this way? The amount of things that could possibly go wrong are endless.

She doesn’t need to know. It could be a secret forever. She doesn’t need to know.

But she does.

I have tried being with a man mom. I have tried so hard to be attracted to one. I’ve done everything possible to tolerate a man’s physical touch; his body odour; the coarse stubble that irritates my mouth when we kiss. I tried to allow his big hands to stroke my own hand; or to caress my face.

But I can’t bare it. It’s too much. It’s repulsive.

I promise I tried. Promise. Promise!

I tried for you mom. I don’t want to be a disgrace. I don’t mean to shame you. I just want to be me. I just want to love this girl with my every being.

I tried for you mom.

By now it is impossible to wipe away the tears. They soak my shirt.

I’m sorry mom that I couldn’t be everything you needed me to be.

A hand written letter. For your sake. For the sake of our love. A hand written letter for us, my love. I want us to have a forever. And this is why am I revealing our love.

Let it be known, that you are my infinity.

 

 

 

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