I pulled the dress over my head and did my hair as neatly as I could. I don’t know why I even bother. I don’t know why I’m even going in the first place? Why do I want to be there? Why do I want to watch the love of my life stick a ring onto someone else’s finger?
Another quick sip of my dark red wine. Let’s just drown those destructive thoughts. I needed more to drink. I needed bottles and bottles of wine to subside what was going on in my head.
The trip to the venue was quicker than I had hoped. I wanted to drive past it. I wanted to drive and drive until I was in the middle of nowhere. A desert. The ocean. Somewhere solitary where I could get out and scream and cry and beg and pray and vent and question and throw myself to the floor and just reevaluate my entire life. How did I get here? How did I miss the entire time period where the person I wanted to spend my life with, fell so deeply in love with someone else that she was putting a ring on it. How did I manage to let that happen?
My car pulled up in front of the church. I watched the happy family and friends gather around outside the church, making casual conversation and subtly assessing each other’s attire. What the HELL am I doing here?
“Alright ladies and gentleman, please would you make your way to your allocated seats inside. The brides are almost here.”
Allocated seats. Allocated seats? What was that? I’m pretty sure it’s the doing of that woman. I always knew she was a bit of a stiff-lip. I just didn’t expect it to be this extreme.
I sat down on my allocated seat and took long, deep breaths. I can do this.
The music started to play and everyone in the church rose to their feet. My automatic response allowed me to do the same. But I was so faint. I held the chair in front of me. I could hear everyone in the crowd gasp at the obvious beauty of that woman. But I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t do this to myself.
What are you doing here?!
From the corner of my eye I saw the first bride stand at the altar. I slowly turned my gaze to her and examined her. She didn’t look too bad for someone who ruthlessly ruined me.
The crowd drew their breaths again as the next bride walked down the aisle. I kept my eye on that bitch in the front. She seemed so happy. She was clearly in love with the love of my life. But who wouldn’t be? So was perfect in every single way. She was beautiful and talented. She was so intelligent and so independent. And she loved. She loved everything with 100% of her being. And now she wasn’t even mine anymore.
I couldn’t watch her walk down the aisle. I couldn’t look at her even for a second. Everyone had taken their seats and the pastor had started his speech. But I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t look at what she was wearing or how she was likely smiling.
This moment; this entire moment was supposed to be ours; not theirs.
The ribbons on the chairs; the lights in the sealing; the dress that she was wearing; the song that played – all of it. All of it was supposed to be for the two of US!
After the service I made my way to the door and immediately got into my car. My breaths were uneven; short. My heart slammed against my chest a hundred times.
Breathe. Breathe. Start the car. Just go. Leave. You don’t need to be here.
Everyone stood in front of the church, prepared to scatter white and red petals over the newly-weds. That moment I couldn’t endure. It happened. It actually happened. She’s gone. Forever.
The anger and agony clearly wasn’t strong enough because I somehow had the nerve to get out of my car and follow the crowd to the reception area. The first glass of wine that caught my eye made its way straight down my throat within a second. And the next. And the next.
By the time the brides had made their way to hall, I had four glasses of wine splashing around inside my stomach. They entered the hall and I finally had the courage to slowly lift my gaze and look at the woman who I have loved for most of my life.
Shit you look beautiful. Even more than I could have imagined. I recognize the dress. I remember you showing me something similar when we were planning our day. It looks stunning. You look amazing.
I swallowed, smiled and dropped my gaze. I felt the tears whelm up. I blinked to make them drop onto my legs and took a deep breath.
The night passed hazily. The only thing I had my mind on was trying to find the server who carried the glasses of wine. After the sixth and seventh glass I had a suspicious feeling that he was avoiding me.
The time for the speeches had arrived and everyone in the hall had suddenly gotten all emotional. There were more tears in that room than there were sober people.
No doubt by then, my confidence levels had reached a new high. I was no longer sad about the fact that my bride had well, taken a different bride. I was no longer angry at the wealthy whore who stole my reason for being. I was just finally all too comfortable.
The bride’s father – I couldn’t really tell which one since the room was spinning slightly – was in the middle of an apparent heart-warming thank you speech when I so graciously made my way across the room and snatched the mic.
“Can I just … Hi everyone. Hi. Yes, my name is… well of none real importance right now. And I am … the person who is actually supposed to be the other bride.”
Smiling and nodding I stumbled for a second. Woops.
“And I would just like to say to you,” I said as I turned and pointed at that girl who stole my heart. The girl I have loved since before I even escaped from my mother’s womb. “That you’re such an idiot.” I laughed and realized how upset the other bride seemed. “I mean, how could you give up everything that was beautiful and magical for that!” and pointed at the other bride. I laughed again as they stared at me in total disbelief. But the jokes and the insulting was soon replaced by the sudden reality that hit me once more. The tears escaped.
““I loved you hard. I loved you passionately and intensely. I loved you constantly and without motive. I loved you sincerely and entirely. How? How are we standing in this room in this moment,” I could hear my own voice break as the tears washed all my efforts down my face. I could see the tears fill her eyes too, “with you sitting over there with a content heart, and me, standing over here with mine torn to pieces? What happened to our forever?”
I took a deep breath and tried not to break into a sob. “Just know that every day I still love you exactly the same. I still think about you. And I will until the moment that my head rests on the silk in my coffin. Nothing will ever change. Think about that every night while you sleep next to her.”
I shoved the mic back into the old man’s hand and headed for my car. I lay my head on the steering wheel in a sobbing fit.
A desert. The ocean. Somewhere solitary where I will scream and cry and beg and pray and vent and question and throw myself to the floor and just reevaluate my entire life. And ask myself how I’m going to live a life without her.