But as for now

It was past midnight already. We had spent the entire day together and I knew it was nearly time for her to leave.
But it had been weeks. I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. Everything came so naturally. We would speak for hours on end without pause.
Or we would lay under the moonlight in total silence. There wasn’t always a need for conversation. Just soaking in her presence was enough.
She was enough.

But tonight it was nearly time for us to say goodbye. The music hummed in the background but all I really heard were the stories we told and her laugh that echoed in my ears.

Hours and hours of contemplation. Hours of edging forward but not courageous enough to follow through.
A little coward-like? – No doubt.

”I should probably leave soon.” She says and my heart shudders slightly.

Grow a pair damnit! I think to myself. I swallow hard.

Without allowing myself another second of “what if”, I lean forward and aim for her mouth. I can only just imagine what it must feel like.
I move quickly, not allowing myself any time to back out.

But my imagination will have to suffice it seems, because she pulls away. Her hand quickly covers her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m not ready.”

Her words surprise me more than the fact that she pulled away. Not ready? NOT READY?

I should have known. I should have known better than to try with a girl who hadn’t been with a girl before. I should have known that this was all just out of curiosity and that I was way deeper than she was.
But hope is always just a little overwhelming. I needed to learn to be a realist.

I suck it up and smile at her. I couldn’t show my disappointment. I couldn’t show her that on the inside, I was falling to little pieces. For the remainder of our time together, I had to casually make more conversation and pretend that I was okay.

I walk her to her car trying to man-up. I try to remind myself that she was never mine to start with. It shouldn’t hurt so hard.

“I don’t want you to think that what happened tonight means anything. I really do like you.” She says as she opens her car door.

Funny.  I thought. I wanted to tell her that her words contradict everything but politely smile instead. I couldn’t show anything.

As her car pulls away, I consciously decide to cut off any emotions from here on. She wouldn’t play me any longer. I would no longer be her puppet.

I crawl into my warm bed and close my eyes. I picture how it could have been. I imagine how soft her lips must be and how sweet she must taste. I imagine what it would be like to wrap my arms around her waist and pull her against my chest. I imagine what her scent must be like, being so close to her. I imagine the possibilities after the kiss. I imagine being able to hold her in my arms at night. I imagine the intimacy. My thoughts are drifting … further and further … deeper and deeper…

The sound of my phone ringing interrupts my thoughts. I pick it up and her name flashes across the screen.

That’s strange.


“Hi.” She laughs. “Could you please open the gate? I forgot something.”

My bed was so comfortable but I get up anyway. Tonight was pretty crazy so I can understand that she probably left something behind.

I open the gate and wait for her to come inside, but she lingers at the gate. She swings her arms for side to side and paces slightly.

I pull my eyebrows and feel uneasy. Something doesn’t seem right.

“Fuck it.” She says and she take a few steps closer to me. Just as I realize what is about to happen, her lips are on mine.

Holy hell. What is happening?

It was better than I thought. Her taste is sweeter. Her lips are softer. Her waist is smaller. Her chest is fuller. Her mouth moves against mine at such a perfect pace. She knows what she is doing. She knows what she wants but she lets me lead.
I can taste the mint she must have taken beforehand. Adorable.

It is 02:00 on winter Saturday morning and my toes are freezing and my nose is stinging.
But this moment needs to last forever. No pause. No end. Nothing else but this. Her.

I want to lead her inside. I want to take her hand and cover the both of us with my white duvet. I want to spend the rest of the morning under the sheets with her, showing her everything she had been missing out on.
She need not do a thing. Just lay there and allow me.

But I know that this kiss must have taken some serious courage and appreciate the moment instead.
There will be another night. There will be a night where we’ll be under my warm duvet for a long, long time – and then she will know what it is like to be with a woman.


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