The Illusion of us.


I opened the club door and was welcomed by the familiar smoke and blare of the music. 
It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the light-beams that traveled in every direction. 
I couldn’t take a step without bumping into another person. I had never seen this place so busy.
And even so, among all those people, I saw her. All those people disappeared. I just saw her. It had been eight….years. But she hadn’t aged a day in her life. It had been eight years and my heart slammed into my chest the way it did the day I met her. 

It was the Pride After-party after-all.
It wasn’t to be missed. An entire building of girls…who like girls.
I would have been a fool to miss that opportunity.

Yy intentions were to take somebody home. I had made this effort to get up and get here – I might as well treat myself to a warm body tonight.
What I did not see – not for a second – was running straight into my past.

For a second, after walking into the building, I just stared. I stared at her dark hair that fell neatly onto her shoulders. I stared at her mouth; watching laughter escape her it. Her eyes creased a little at the side – but it just reminded me of how long it had been.

An abrupt drunken-bump from behind me, snapped me back.
My mouth felt dry and I licked my lips a few times. the night hadn’t even started and I already wanted it to end. 

My evening consisted of making my way between all the girls, to put as much distance between me and her as i could. What would I say to her? Would I greet her? Would we exchange small talk and pretend like the best four years of our lives weren’t spent with each other? Do I pretend that I my life didn’t basically ended after she left?
So the only option here – was to avoid her at all costs.

The liquor got good and so the good got going.  I slowly slipped away from my thoughts of her and indulged in all the potential around me.
I disappeared into the music and closed my eyes; allowing the pulsating music sweep my away.

Eight years had passed since I saw her – but every feeling came back to me. And it was so, so raw. The feeling of the uncontrollable sobbing. The helplessness. Watching her walk away. The months of self-loathing and total recklessness. Knowing there was someone else. Knowing I would never, ever kiss her mouth or hear her laugh again. That complete and utter betrayal. Everything came to me in a moment – and then the room was spinning.

I pushed between the crowd and dived towards the bathroom. As per usual, the line to the bathroom had more people than the dance-floor. So i took a deep breath and allowed myself to push the thoughts aside. Just breathe. 

“Hey Red.” I hear behind me. It echoes a little and I shut my eyes. My stomach turns and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sick.
I turn around – and she stood there; her eyes gleaming and a smile that reached across her face.
“Hi Nicky.” I said softly – the memories flooding over me again. No one called me that in years.
“How have you been? I saw you earlier, but I wasn’t sure if you came with someone. I just thought I’d come say hi!”
She brushed her hair from her face, and my eye caught a glimpse of the sparkle on her left hand. A diamond – the size of my fist – sat neatly on her finger.
Of course.

“Good, good. I uhh, I’m keeping busy. Life’s pretty busy you know. How are you?”
I try not to give anything away. She didn’t deserve to know anything. She didn’t deserve to have a part of the new me. She broke the person I used to be – and I wasn’t going to let her anywhere near to who I became.
“Good! I recently started my own company. It’s going great. everything is really great!”
“Clearly.” I said as i nod toward the ring on her finger. The word escaped too quickly and I regret it immediately.
The smile disappeared from her face. “Yeah, uh yeah. I also recently got married. Her name’s Sarah. She’s really good to me.”

I swallowed hard. So was I. So was I Nicky?? I was so good to you.
I had enough. I couldn’t do this anymore. Every wound was opening up, stitch by stitch. Just looking at her, and that goddamn ring on her finger, made me want to break.

“Have a good evening Nicky.” I said and disappeared into the bathroom stall without giving her a chance to respond.
I sat there on the cold seat, biting down onto my teeth.
You will not cry.You will not cry one more tear over this girl. Not eight years ago, and not for a fuck tonight. 
Shut up, suck it up, and go find yourself someone else.
She sure as hell did.
Get up, and go show her that you are no longer weak for her.

It’s been eight years. And she’s married. You’re clearly not “meant to be.” 
You can’t let her have this hold over you. 
Not again.
Not ever, ever again. 


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